It's Different when it's your OWN Baby

Though I'd agree that it's much easier to accept your own mistakes than those of others, I'd just like to dispel the myth that people who dislike children will suddenly love them when they become pregnant.

I am a living breathing exception. One of millions.

It was six years ago that I was screaming and crying on the concrete floor of a bathroom, inside a telemarketing office that had been converted into the apartment that I rented.

My boyfriend of six months looked just as shy and useless as usual, except today his silence and shoulder shrugs were more offensive than ever before because my test was positive.

I was plenty loud enough for the both of us.

Countless excuses could be made. There was no question that the $5.90 per hour that I made part time after University classes was not going to cut it when a baby came around. The father did not have the mental capacity of a child, let alone someone who could raise one.

But I don't sugarcoat the truth. I could not have the baby because I had always hated babies and peeing on a stick that fateful day only fed my hatred.

He remained silent but looked disappointed when the first words out of my mouth were my plan to kill it.

It took two weeks for a doctor to confirm that I was in fact pregnant, and due to the enormous waiting list, it would be another month before they could terminate it.

During that time hatred turned to disgust. Disgust with the baby. Disgust with myself for getting pregnant. Disgust at my boyfriend, who I never spoke to, or saw again, because he refused to tell anyone we knew what happened. 

It might have been the disgust, or maybe just the morning sickness that made me throw up every day, but either way I grew to see my baby as an illness, and a parasite. Living off of my body, making me weak and fat. All I could think about was ending it. Destroying it before it could destroy me. It seems silly looking back to think how afraid I was of something so small.

Some people call it "pre partum" but to me it's pretty obviously an intelligent person's common sense kicking in. A baby isn't right for everyone. Certainly NOT for me. 

Childfree by Choice. The choice that I can now say I really made, and will continue to honestly make, even when it's

'My OWN Baby'